The very first topic of my official blog is called "We become what we surround ourselves with."
This blog is about reflecting on what we create for ourselves and learning to let go of toxic inhibitors which prevent us from feeling happy and fulfilled in our lives. These are; attachments to habits, unhealthy relationships with people, mindset, attitudes & environment. We all read about the latest diet detox fads. Don't eat this, don't eat that, cleanse your body... But what about cleanse other elements in your life which leave you feeling negative and unhappy?
If only cleansing toxins in your life was as easy as drinking a health potion or rubbing on some lotion?
Two weeks ago, I found myself making a conscious decision to end an 8 year friendship. We all hear about boyfriends and girlfriends breaking up, but rarely do we hear anyone talking about breaking up with friends? Is it because we are not as careful or conscious about evaluating friendships like we are in romantic relationships? When we choose to accept new friends into our lives, do we look at the compatibility of the friendship enough? Do we ask ourselves "what do I get out of this friendship?" Are we more tolerant of bad behaviour in friendship because the rules are different to romantic relationships? Are the rules that different?
For the purpose of sharing this story publicly, the name of the person who this story is based on has been changed. The purpose of the blog article is to discuss the issue of relationships with friends, not to gossip about my own or other people's lives.
Abby and I had been friends in Melbourne since 2006. We'd met while out partying in Melbourne and shared a love of fashion, creativity, exploring cafes in Melbourne, travel, had a similar sense of humor and were both quite liberal women. Over the years we'd caught up with one another while abroad in Europe which was fun. She'd also visited me when I lived up north in the NT and we'd caught up every now and again while in Melbourne. What was the problem? Sounds like a normal friendship. Yes sure... but was it a healthy friendship?
Eyes Wide Open
Since returning from living in Northern Australia for 2 years, where I establish a wonderful circle of genuine friendships, I came back with a new awareness of myself and what healthy friendships should feel like. I realised that whenever I called Abby, she rarely answered the phone, she wouldn't return calls and would only call back when it was convenient to her or when she wanted something. Months later, I then began to predict the 'user' behaviour. This wasn't something that had changed overnight with her. I had changed. My eyes were open....
When we were overseas, I still remember how she was suppose to be showing my boyfriend and I the sites of Verona... instead she selfishly dragged us along to every shoe shop, so that she could get new shoes... while the hours of our beautiful holiday went by... all we were seeing was Abby try on shoes and argue with her boyfriend. We had to politely excuse ourselves and went to do our own site seeing, much to her surprised sooky attitude.
Or how about the time she 'generously' came to visit me in the NT? well, in reality it was really just a a cheap winter get away from Melbourne, a cheap opportunity for her to see Kakadu and visit Darwin with free accommodation. It was never really about catching up with me. I recall one afternoon she was there, I had wanted to talk with her. She quite cold and rudely told me she wanted to sun bake outside and to give her some peace and quiet. Nice one... 'friend'.
By Apil this year, after not hearing from her for months and then receiving a phone call out of the blue, I agreed to meet her for a drink locally. I wanted to give her one last chance to prove she wasn't a user or I would be cutting the chord...
As predicted, at the end of the conversation she sweetly asked if she could store furniture at my home and help her set up a stall at Camberwell market (halving the fee for having a table). I saw through the objective of our catch up. I was indeed in a one way friendship. The following weeks I was bombarded with needy phone calls because she was going through yet another messy relationship breakup. Needing a friend because all the others had bailed on her. We would meet at IKEA where we would 'spend time', which involved me (an architect) assisting HER pick out things SHE needed from IKEA. Somehow I'd become her personal interior design assistant AND her personal emotional counseling dumping ground. I believe in being there for friends, but what was I getting out of this?
Had she been there for me when I went through a massive break up with my boyfriend the year before ... no.
What was it that snapped the straw on the camel's back?
It was actually just one single phone call. I called her one day and asked for 5 mins of her time.
A friend of a friend needed some immediate assistance with getting information for work conditions of a nanny job. She said that she wasn't busy. Abby, had worked as a nanny in europe for a couple of years. I was 30 secs into asking my question when the phone then cut out. I realised her phone must have gone flat. I tried to call back to no avail and assumed the phone battery died. But I then thought to check an hour and half later to see if she had been on messenger or facebook and sure enough, posts on facebook and date and time stamp on Whatsapp showing she'd been on her phone. Phone wasn't dead.
I was angry and fed up. No apology text, no return phone call. It was rude and showed that she had little respect in taking 5 mins to answer a quick important question I was trying to help another friend with.
It occurred to me, if your friend can not even make 5 mins for you in their day and couldn't even send you an apology message, then it could be you are in a one way friendship? I pondered it for the week and felt extremely irritable, frustrated, moody and negative about the friendship, which then spilled over into my overall mood. I complained about her, whinged about her endlessly and came to the realisation this one way friendship was eating me up inside. I'd become a grumpy old sod over a fruitless friendship! I then asked myself a key question "Why are you even friends with this person? Do you even like her?" I pondered the question even more and realised.... no. I sat down and I wrote down the pros and cons of the friendship and was surprised to see just how fruitless the friendship really was. The cons outweighed the pros by far.
How can it happen?
How ridiculous. I've been friends with a woman I don't even like? How is that even possible? Here's how.
The charmer
When there is a very charming sweet talking person who calls you up every now and again making out that they want to hang out, the charm becomes the distractor. Why would you say no when someone is being so nice, sweet and polite?
Ourselves
The other reason it can happen is to do with the value we place on ourselves;
- Value your own time - How important is the time that you give others?
- Self worth - do you believe you deserve to be in a 2 way friendship?
- Self love - Do you have enough self love to stop yourself from being used by others?
- Self Evaluation- As an individual, do you stop to ask 'is this friendship healthy? how do I feel after I've seen this person? or when I interact with them? Do I feel positive? Negative?
In hind sight, I realised I was friends with a woman who would consistently cheat on boyfriends... who were good people. She was dishonest, would do immoral things. Whilst it's not our job to judge others, we have the right to exercise wisdom in who choose who we keep as our friends.
Cut it Loose
A friend advised me on the matter. He said "Aletha, cut it loose! There are so many wonderful people out there who are genuine and deserving of a quality friendship. Cut - it - loose."
And so I did. I went to my contact settings and blocked her calls. When ever the phone would ring it would just ring out without me knowing. I felt a sense of peace and self empowerment.
A week later, I removed her from facebook without explanation to her. Yes, yes I hear you all. 'Passive aggressive', 'bitchy'. 'catty'. Yes, call it what you may. Perhaps others are more gracious and subtle at phasing out a friendship. For me, I didn't want her to contact me anymore.
Some might think less of me in what happened next. During the week I was enjoying some self empowerment, I thought about the ex boyfriend of Abby, who was being dragged through a long painful breakup. The guy was a young, hardworking professional. Has everything in his life together, good family values, good morals... just a crappy immoral ex girlfriend who was sleeping with other people, while still in dialogue with him trying to get back together AND who had been violent and abusive during their relationship. (A whole other can of worms story here).
Let's just say, women are not the only victims of violence and abuse. This poor guy had been subjected to a violent outburst one evening which put him through a glass door. Story for another day...
There were various other immoral, unethical things she had been doing to the poor guy and if her last relationship was anything to go by... the poor guy was going to be dragged through a very very long painful breakup. The other major point of consideration was that the guy was living with his grandfather, who is terminally ill with cancer, which makes him the primary carer of a family member with cancer. The guy's circumstances disturbed me because a) I've been in an violent/abusive relationship before b) my family has been effected by cancer. I felt angry at the thought of this woman (previously I called friend), who was putting this poor guy through more stress and upset than he needed.
I made the conscious decision to bite the bullet and ask him if he wanted to know anything about Abby that would help him make a decision about his future pursuit of his relationship. He said that he wanted to know. I explained why I was offering the information. Not out of vindication of a woman I no longer liked, but because it was the right thing to do. When I told him, he said that it just confirmed things which he had known without evidence and that it was much appreciated because he wanted to move on with his life.
What happened next proved beyond reasonable doubt that I had made the right decision, to end a friendship with a selfish and toxic person. Abby's ex boyfriend had not revealed who told him what he knew, but she had put 2 and 2 together, the facebook removal and her ex boyfriend no longer wanting to be negotiate their relationship any more.
My mobile phone was bombarded with aggressive and very abusive texts and insults. It was as if all lines of communications, computers and phones were being rained on by bullets of seething hate. One friend put it to me last night "it's like you scratch the surface and that's who she really is!"
Phone calls from random unknown numbers, from silent numbers, blocking multiple texts from multiple phone numbers. The behaviour was manic and obsessive and reveal how sick and unrelentless she was. This sweet charming charismatic female friend was indeed a total nutcase. Maybe even had borderline personality disorder. Her ex was also receiving the same onslaught. I knew eventually the assault would cease when she would grow tired of buying sim cards and not having blocked phone numbers answered.
Five days aft er the storm, Abby's ex boyfriend messaged to say thank you. That whilst he was feeling hurt by what he knew, he realised who she truly was., he was grateful to have closure and would be able to move on with his life.
That Cleansed Feeling....
A week later I feel a sense of peace and calm in my daily life. The negativity and bitterness had washed away. I also made a point to spend time with good friends, who I have strong loving friendships with to remind me that I have good people around me and my life and that they are worth spending time with.
I have come to realise just how an unhealthy and toxic friendships, can affect your well being. It's important to use your emotions and mood as your compass to help gauge when something isn't sitting right with you in your life. If you think you are stuck in a toxic one way friendship, take some time to evaluate how you feel often after seeing this person or dealing with them. Ask yourself what your time is worth and what you are getting out of the friendship that you have with that person. Value yourself and know that you have much to offer others, but you are also worthy of receiving from others in friendship. Love yourself by protecting yourself from users, negativity and those who adversely effect your well being.
Finally, be in tune with our your mood and emotions. It will always help guide and warn you when you are in an unhealthy friendship.
(to be continued....)
